Bully for Us - School Edition

In reading and hearing accounts of persistent bullying, and its sometime tragic consequences, I'm struck by the narrative similarities - not among the victims, but among the communities and settings. Violent criminals, and urban street gangs, have their own, discrete, pathology, and cannot be viewed under the same lens as small-town, or middle-class, bullying.

Phoebe Prince was pretty and bright; others driven to suicide have been academically gifted or learning-disabled; longtime residents or newcomers; affluent or disadvantaged; from closeknit, intact families, or from fractured ones. They all were bullied systematically and unrelentingly, in front of adult authorities; when tragedy struck, those same authorities initially feigned ignorance, then, when confronted with evidence, claim to have taken appropriate measures. The South Hadley High School officials suspended one girl - for now, we'll accept as a mere coincidence that she was the daughter of Hispanic immigrants, unlike the other tormentors - the football captain, and his girlfriend, were certainly exempt from punishment. The greater community has subsequently demonized individuals, but won't consider the harsh reality - the demonization, itself, is the cause. To tolerate, is to condone, is to allow, and the school tolerated quotidian mistreatment of some students by others; as long as school operations were unimpeded, authorities had no cause for concern. Sharon Velasquez was penalized after disrupting a class, compelling a teacher to complain. Complaints from Phoebe Prince, her parents, and others, went unheeded.

American culture apotheosizes two competing myths: the small town and the frontier; when one disappoints, the other beckons. In earlier centuries, families could accept that one or two members might need to escape from their stultifying environs. Nowadays, families are somewhat smaller, while horizons are infinitely larger. Parents realize, with great trepidation, that they might seldom see their children (and, eventually, grandchildren and beyond), and so they want their communities to offer as many opportunities as possible. I believe parents should teach their children that a vast, glorious world exists beyond their terraces, full of natural and man-made wonders. Our public schools were built according to a factory model, and are, by definition and intent, stultifying. Their focus will always be on quantifiable, aggregate results; they will always demand that students remain "on task," and "within the rubric." These schools do a remarkably good job, overall, but cannot be asked to function as agents of change.

I'm as contemptuous of New Age encomiums as the next hussy, but I've struggled unsuccessfully (thus far) to replace the one about being the change you want to see; we really can't effect cultural shifts overnight, and probably can't within our own lifetimes, but we can start with ourselves. Always allow your children to define their own tastes and interests, and accept them regardless of how tawdry, tacky, or tedious you may consider them. You may impose dress codes, where occasions or situations demand them, but don't try to impose your own taste or preferences, or impose conformity, unless it's truly necessary. If your daughter prefers billowy skirts and multi-colored high-tops to skinny jeans and Uggs, don't try to discourage this...or, worse, try to force her into pastel polo shirts and khakis. Youth is a time for experimentation, and parents should be eternally grateful if the only experimentation is sartorial. Kids are only capable of perceiving their lives in the immediate present; they do not understand that things will not always remain as they are. Suicide is a reasonable solution, when the airless, joyless, heartless, soulless confines of a school are all a child can see.

I believe that parents can and should keep their children home, when the situation at school becomes intolerable; I have, and I make no apologies for doing so. Our state mandates anti-bullying statutes for its school districts; had a legal showdown occurred, I believe we could have won, but it would have been a hollow victory, at best. These battles are long and costly, and my children would have already moved on. Parents should always know their state and local laws, and certainly invoke them when dealing with schools. Information technology has also allowed parents to maintain paper trails, yet somehow school authorities still persist in stating that the umpteenth e-mail is "the first I've heard about this." Parents cannot expect satisfaction or success from their efforts, but they shouldn't give up, either. If nothing else, they set an example of speaking truth to power for their children. In one of many missives to the Middle School Dean of Students, I flatly stated that I'd learned not to expect any response, much less action, from him, but I thought my son needed to know that I cared enough about him to try anyway. My parents are both long-departed, but I still harbor certain resentments toward them that will occasionally reduce me to tears - I have never forgiven them for declining to stand up for me, even in private, when I was treated cruelly or unfairly. I have been determined to let my own kids know that I will be there for them, even if nobody else is.

There, now...I've gotten that out of the way....

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